With Sincere Gratitude

Thank you, creepy asshole man, for grabbing me and forcible hugging me on the street tonight.

I’m so happy that you could see past my “fuck off” exterior and understand my desire for you to give me a tight bear hug.

I’m proud that you didn’t give up, even after me saying “no” and “let go” multiple times, even after I pulled away from you and tried to push your arm off of me.

I’m glad you could tell that deep down I wanted your unfamiliar arms wrapped around my shoulders and my neck, even after I was able to wiggle away.

Thanks for giving me the feeling like I needed to constantly be looking over my shoulder, even after driving back to my apartment; my neck really needed the workout.

Thanks for letting me exercise my neglected imagination by going through a million scenarios of what could have happened if I had been wasted instead of sober.

Thanks for teaching me that it might not be safe for me to walk 5 blocks at night by myself.

Thanks for making me question whether or not I want to go out tomorrow night.

Thanks for giving me pause about wearing an attractive outfit for a night on the town.

Thanks for making me kick myself for not using anything I learned in my self defense class, for wiping my mind of the idea that those moves even exist.

Thanks for letting me experience the overwhelming paralysis of fear.

Thanks for changing the memory of tonight from the night I got to see one of my favorite bands to the night that I felt unsafe, angry, and scared.

You’ll never know how much tonight meant to me.

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“I’m Not Saying She Deserved It, But…”

I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my friend when she turned to me and asked if I had heard about the man who raped two women he’d met on dating sites. Turns out this guy, Sean Banks, met two women on two different dating sites (ChristianMingle.com and Match.com) using the alias “Rylan” and raped them in their homes back in 2009 and 2012. He’s back in the news because he was just found guilty of five counts and is facing a possible 40 years in prison at his sentencing in September. Horrible person. Terrible acts of violence. And yet, “Don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I’m saying these women deserved it, because they obviously didn’t, but did they invited a stranger they met online back to their houses. You really have to be careful.”

Oh, honey. Just…no.

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, and my friend certainly isn’t the only one to have used it. This is a phrase that we hear all too often in reference to sexual assault. When people hear about someone being raped their initial reaction is usually sympathy, disgust, and understanding of how horrible the situation is. But the secondary reaction can turn into reviewing the specific circumstances and pinpointing where the victim went wrong and inadvertently displacing some of the blame onto them.

First of all, I want to lay out the facts. The women met this man on dating sites where the general goal is to met new people and start relationships. They were in communication with each other for weeks, if not months, before meeting in person. He manipulated them into thinking that he was a trustworthy, man of faith. One of the women invited him to her house to watch a movie. The other went out with him on a dinner date. Here is the most important fact: Sean Banks is a rapist.

The fact that this man was technically a stranger doesn’t mean anything. Rapist are more often than not people that the victim knows. The fact that they met online and that he used a fake name doesn’t mean anything. They could just have easily met at a bar or a coffee shop or on the subway, and people can lie just as easily in person as they can on the internet. The fact that one of the victims brought him to her house on the first date doesn’t mean anything. He could have waited until the fourth or fifth date when taking someone home is more socially acceptable. Or gotten her drunk and brought her back to her home to rape her, like he did to the other victim. Or he could have just as easily raped her in a public location.

The “mistakes” that these two women made are things that millions of women do all the time. Millions of women meet guys on dating sites. Millions of women agree to go on dates with them. Millions of women end those nights without getting raped. The only difference between those women and these two women is that these women happened to have met Sean Banks.

Just for funzies, lets skew the facts and say that they had done everything “wrong”. Lets pretend that they met him on Tinder, a phone app notorious for casual dating and hookups; that they had only contacted each other that day; that they had invited him over to their houses; that they had used winkey faces and the phrase “let’s have fun”; that they wore low-cut shirts with sexy lingerie underneath. Hell, lets even throw in that they initiated some kissing or fooling around. None of this changes the fact that when they failed to give consent, Banks’s actions became rape.

Pointing out factors that the victim had control over and linking them to causation is victim blaming. So no matter how much they might insist that they don’t think it was the victim’s fault, when someone says, “I’m not saying they deserved it, but *insert choice that the victim made*,” what they really mean is, “I’m not saying they deserved it, but here’s why they deserved it.” It’s like when people say “I’m not racist, but…” and then say something completely racist.

People like to list off ways that the victim contributed to their rape: they wore something too sexy, they were drinking, they met someone online, blah blah blah blah blah. And I think I know why a lot of them do it, why my friend did it. It’s out of fear. If you can point out what the victim did wrong, then you can understand what not to do. If you can see why they got raped, then you will understand how to prevent yourself from being raped. It’s not so much about putting the responsibility on the victim but more so about giving you back control. “It couldn’t happen to me because I would never meet someone in person that I met online”. Because if there’s nothing you can do, if that girl didn’t do anything wrong and still got raped, then anyone can be raped. Then you can be raped. And that is terrifying.

The truth is, there is no sure-fire way for a victim to prevent rape. The only person who can prevent rape is the rapist. So while these observations might make you feel better, all you’re doing is absolving the rapist of responsibility and placing it squarely on the victim’s shoulders.

It also adds to an ever-growing DON’T list (mostly aimed at women) that restricts potentially “risky” behavior in the name of personal safety:

  • don’t look sexy
  • don’t be flirtatious
  • don’t go out alone
  • don’t walk alone at night
  • don’t walk alone in remote locations
  • don’t walk around unarmed
  • don’t talk to people online
  • don’t meet people you met online
  • don’t get drunk
  • don’t leave your drink unattended
  • don’t be antagonistic
  • don’t engage with creepy individuals
  • don’t engage with strangers
  • don’t go home with strangers
  • don’t begin to fool around if you don’t intend to go all the way
  • don’t get raped

It doesn’t matter that millions of people go out drinking each night and don’t get raped. If you drink and get raped then you’re responsible. It doesn’t matter that millions of people meet their future husbands and wives online. If you meet someone online and they rape you, then it’s your fault for not being careful. I’m not going to lie; if you don’t meet people online, your risk of being raped might be lower. It’ll also be lower if you abstain from meeting any new people. It’ll also be lower if you spend your days locked in your house completely sober in a turtleneck holding a shotgun. But there is still a chance that someone could rape you anyway…and one person will say that you took a stupid risk by not having a guard dog.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying there’s no place for caution in this equation. The world is a dangerous place, and we should all make an effort to look out for ourselves and trust that little voice in our heads if it tells us something doesn’t feel right. But when these safety suggestions trickle down into a modification of my everyday life and restrict the way I want to live, that’s where I draw the line. Rape can happen to anyone in any location around any circumstance. I like to drink, I like to look sexy, I like to chat up guys, and sometimes I just need that walk alone to clear my head, and none of these things I do will ever be the cause of a sexual assault. Bottom line, you can’t control another person’s actions. Bottom line, nobody has the right to touch you without your consent regardless of what you do. Bottom line, the only person responsible for a rape is the rapist. Period.

I don’t plan on living my life in fear. I’m not going to change my everyday behavior in the vain hope that it will keep someone from raping me. And if God forbid there should come a day when I am raped, I hope my friend won’t ask me what I was wearing, where I met the person, or if I had been drinking.

I hope that she will look at me and say, “You didn’t deserve it.” Because nobody does.

For Those Who Still Believe Gender Inequality Doesn’t Exist

So, last night I did something stupid. Something that modern day parents warn their children about. Something I know I should never do. I got into a debate in the comment section of Youtube. In the midst of reading some responses to a video by one of my favorite Youtubers, I decided to reply to a man who was attempting to counter argue every single reason that the speaker gave, line by line, as to why she supported feminism. Needless to say, it spiraled into an argument about gender (in)equality, the term “feminism”, and how feminists want to kill all men and rule the world. Tempers flared, caps locks were activated, and it ended with him threatening me with violence. I know, I know, don’t feed the trolls. I never learn. I read ignorant crap on the internet, and I’m convinced that once I calmly explain why this person is dead wrong, they will have a dramatic epiphany, and I will console them as they ashamedly apologize for their misinformed ramblings.¬† Ha, right.

In light of the Elliot Rodgers shooting, I’ve noticed a dramatic increase in conversations about gender inequality on social media: friends (mostly women, but some men) linking articles about misogyny, writing statuses about personal experiences with sexism, sharing videos that highlight discrepancies between men and women in both everyday life and in society as a whole. I believe that if there is one positive (if that is even the right word) thing that came out of this horrifying act of misogyny, it is that it has opened the flow of communication about our culture and how we treat and view women in our society, not just on feminist blogs and forums, but via Twitter, Facebook and dinner-time discussions.

However, the conversation, like most, is not one sided. (I mean, if every single person in the world thought that gender inequality was a serious issue in our society…well, we’d be living in a society without gender inequality, so that’s kind of a paradox). When you start calling attention to negative behaviors of a specific group of people, individuals who are a part of that group are going to feel personally attacked, so all this talk of male entitlement and female oppression has put many men on the defense, prompting popular responses such as “not all men do that”, “you’re being over dramatic”, and, my favorite, “whoa, what about all of the ways that men are marginalized and oppressed in our society?”

The majority of these guys aren’t rapists. They’ve never hit a woman. They’ve had female bosses whom they respected. They don’t mind lending a hand with dinner or pitching in cleaning the house. They support their wives who have chosen to have a career and raise a family. And they’ve certainly never shot anybody because they couldn’t get laid and felt rejected by all women.

But even though the data has shown us time and time again that we do indeed still live in a patriarchal society, there are still those who refuse to see it, and they are the most dangerous. They are far more dangerous than the misogynists who purposefully act in ways to keep women down, who truly and bluntly believe that men are dominate and that women should be meek and submissive. Most men when asked if they believe that men and women should be treated equally will answer yes. It’s easy to point out the crazy man who wants to keep women on leashes, but when it comes down to it, many men don’t notice the subtle micro-agressions that women face on a daily basis.

And that makes them part of the problem. If your initial response to a woman discussing her experience with catcalling is to point out the obvious fact that no, not every guy does this, then you are part of the problem. If you view feminists as a threat, as power hungry bitches who are trying to dominate all men, then you are part of the problem. If you think that all statistics about sexual assault or workplace discrimination have been skewed and blown out of proportion, then you are part of the problem.

You have to realize something. Regardless of which cavemen originally declared that men were the superior sex, we still live a world that perpetuates this idea: a world where women only make up about 20% of the world’s elected officials; where women continue to make less money than men within the same occupation; where basic human characteristics like being caring, dependent, and emotional are attributed to females, and any man who demonstrates these attributes is seen as weak because he is acting like a woman; where the worst insults you can call someone (ie pussy, bitch, douche, cunt) compare the person to a woman; where websites like Return of Kings write articles titled “Women Should Not Be Allowed to Vote” and “Women Are Wimps and That’s Not a Bad Thing”; where young girls are given Barbies and baby dolls and play kitchens that help develop domesticity while young boys are given Legos and G.I. Joes and kiddy power tools that help develop creativity and constructiveness; where women’s bodies are used as advertising space for anything from food, to cars, to clothing, to political ideology; where the female form has become so sexualized that schools feel the need to keep the shoulders and thighs of junior high and high school girls covered up; where a man can have sex with as many women as he likes and be considered a stud, whereas a woman who has many sexual partners is considered a slut; where a male pop star can be convicted of violently assaulting his girlfriend, be sentenced to 5 years probation, and go on to have a top 10 single within two years of the incident; where female journalists and bloggers are subject to threats of rape and violence from men who disagree with their position; where 1 in 5 American women will be the victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime; where male victims of rape rarely report the incident because it is viewed as something that happens to women; where a man who killed six people because he was angry at both women for not sleeping with him and men for hogging the women he felt entitled to is met with understanding and empathy.

This is the world we live in.

This is gender inequality.

Look, guys, I get it. Nobody wants to be labeled as the bad guy. Nobody wants to be held accountable for the actions of others. Nobody wants to be blamed for an injustice that has been an integral part of society since thousands of years before your great great great great great grandfather was even conceived; an injustice that you were simply raised to believe was the norm. Nobody wants to talk about the things they, and others of their gender, do in everyday life that contribute to the suffering of women.

But we have to talk about this. We have to acknowledge these inequalities. We have to point out the big things and the little things and the things that are uncomfortable and the things that no one wants to hear about. Because being quiet and avoiding the issues will not make them go away. Ignoring the sexism that is ingrained in our culture and refusing to acknowledge its existence creates an environment for gender inequality to thrive. An environment that locks women and men into structured gender roles. An environment that allows jerks in the comment section to threaten violence against a woman simply because she is a woman. An environment that breeds men like Elliot Rodger.

And we all deserve so much better than that.

 

 

A Convicted Rapist Is Getting Off Without Jail Time

Last month, a 52 year old man was found guilty of repeatedly drugging and raping his unconscious wife over the course of three years. He was convicted of one count of rape and five counts of criminal deviant conduct. Last Friday, he received his sentence. He will serve no jail time or receive any court-ordered therapy.

But before you begin to think that he is getting off scott free, Mr. David Wise will spend the next eight years in, wait for it, home confinement.

No. This is not a joke.

Oh, and did I mention that Judge Kurt Eisgruber told the victim, Mandy Boardman, that she should “forgive her attacker and move on”? Because he did.

Yup.

We are all aware of how fucked up the courts can be when it comes to rape cases; just look at Steubenville or Maryville and we see a sick pattern of victim blaming and questioning whether or not certain acts should be considered rape and blah blah blah.

However, this case might make my stomach churn even more because although the jury found him guilty of all six felony charges (each one typically carrying a 6-20 year jail sentence), he will spend the next eight years of his life drinking beer, watching tv, and jerking off in peace from the comfort and privacy of his own home. I sure hope that during the sentencing the judge remember to include a firm finger wag and a warning that he “better not do it again”.

This case was the textbook definition of rape. It’s the rape scene that comes to everyone’s mind when we use the word: a woman is slipped a drug and a man violates her while she is unconscious. This should have been a textbook sentencing. This is why we have laws and corresponding consequences (you do crime A and you will receive punishment A). And though it is slightly more complicated than that in practice, I see no line of reasoning for this excessive leniency. The prosecution asked for 40 years in prison. 40 years would have been justice. Hell, 20 years would have been justice. What Wise received is not justice. He’s going home with nothing more than a shiny new ankle bracelet. A jury found him guilty and a judge set him free.

This conviction is a complete slap in the face to rape victims and a shining green light to future rapists everywhere. What kind of message do you think is sent out when a man can admit in open court to drugging his victim, (essentially) admit via email to raping her, video record multiple acts of rape on his cell phone, be found¬†guilty, and still be sent home after only 24 days in jail? Because this is the only thing I’m hearing: rape is ok. rape isn’t a big deal. it is ok for a husband to rape his wife. it is ok for a man to rape a woman who is being “snippy”. it is ok to rape because there will be no consequence for your actions. it is ok to rape because nobody actually cares.

This case is just the most recent in a long, sickening series of rape cases that leave the victim without justice and the rapist in the clear. Cases that promote the idea that rape isn’t actually a crime. Cases that perpetuate this fucked up rape culture that we are constantly immersed in in the most blatant ways.

After being interviewed, Boardman told the Los Angeles Times to print her name, instead of protecting it like they usually do with victims. She says that she wants other victims to know that she’s “a normal person fighting for the same thing they’re fighting for”.

Unfortunately, even now in 2014, in this world of slut-shame, legal injustice, and “blurred lines”, it seems that we still have a long fight ahead of us.